he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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