Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
