she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
