If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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