We're like a lot better than the average bears
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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