my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
did i just pee glitter
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
