I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
How external is "for external use only"?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
