i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
