More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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