ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
