I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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