Define "chronic" masturbator.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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