you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
