It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
