In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
