you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
