something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
