I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
