Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
