The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
