Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
