You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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