TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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