you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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