don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
