I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
operation harelip BJ is a go
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize