Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She bit a glass in half.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize