Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
