On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just blew my weed a kiss
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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