how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
