I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
