I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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