Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize