he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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