just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
