were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize