Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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