I accidentally had phone sex last night
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
