I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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