Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize