Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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