giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
