I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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