I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
A+ Viking dick
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
