Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
