i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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