Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
