god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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