I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize