how can u be prego again
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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