I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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