i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
