I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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