I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize