I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
