At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
