season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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