I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
