i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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