Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize