I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
